"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
-- BSD fortune file
"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. -- BSD fortune file
Drive defensively. Buy a tank. -- BSD fortune file
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a
rigged demo.
-- BSD fortune file
On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always
be accessible to a computer.
-- BSD fortune file
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading. Debug only code.
-- Dave Storer
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
-- Sydney J. Harris
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. -- BSD fortune file
Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
Galileo: No, unhappy the land that needs heroes.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
-- BSD fortune file
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.
-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
-- BSD fortune file
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein
Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys
throw on small living girls.
-- BSD fortune file
Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time,
which only occurs there and then.
-- BSD fortune file
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- BSD fortune file
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
-- BSD fortune file
I'm into SOFTWARE! -- BSD fortune file
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
-- BSD fortune file
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
-- BSD fortune file
Veni, Vidi, Visa. -- BSD fortune file
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
-- BSD fortune file
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
-- BSD fortune file
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
-- BSD fortune file
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
-- BSD fortune file
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
nothing of interest is easy.
-- BSD fortune file
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. -- BSD fortune file
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." -- BSD fortune file
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
-- BSD fortune file
Moshe's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
-- BSD fortune file
"The Computer made me do it." -- BSD fortune file
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
-- BSD fortune file
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
-- BSD fortune file
Brain fried -- Core dumped -- BSD fortune file
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
`
-- BSD fortune file
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-- BSD fortune file
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. -- BSD fortune
Nah, the problem is that it doesn't have enough chlorine. -- Lionel in ASR
It also lacks an undertow for the weak ones. -- Joe Creighton in ASR
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
-- BSD fortune file
(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. -- BSD fortune file
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." -- Karl Lehenbauer
You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
-- BSD fortune file
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
-- BSD fortune file
"Heisenberg may have slept here" -- BSD fortune file
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." -- BSD fortune file
"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together."
-- BSD fortune file
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
-- BSD fortune file
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. -- Nicol Williamson
Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
-- BSD fortune file
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
-- BSD fortune file
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. -- BSD fortune file
Loose bits sink chips. -- BSD fortune file
Machine-Independent, adj.:
Does not run on any existing machine.
-- BSD fortune file
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-- R. S. Barton
-- BSD fortune file
Millihelen, adj:
The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
-- BSD fortune file
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-- Henry Spencer
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
broken.
-- BSD fortune file
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" by R. A. Heinlein
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
-- BSD fortune file
"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
universe?" -- Douglas Adams
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
-- BSD fortune file
It would be illogical to kill without reason
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
of the way.
Accuracy, n.:
The vice of being right
-- BSD fortune file
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
-- BSD fortune file
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. -- BSD fortune file
Walk softly and carry a big stick. -- Theodore Roosevelt
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
machines are so poor at I/O.
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
Neophyte's serendipity.
Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.
Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
escalation of a lucrative nature.
Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
remain innocuous.
Reactor error - core dumped!
-- BSD fortune file
bit, n: A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or
two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
"Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!" -- BSD fortune file
Ankh if you love Isis. -- BSD fortune file
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense.
-- E. W. Dijkstra
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
-- Gallagher -- BSD fortune file
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
-- BSD fortune file
The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
"100 percent American"...
-- U. S. Army (1945)
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette."
-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 -- BSD fortune file
OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. -- BSD fortune file
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs." -- Robert Firth -- BSD fortune file
The Seventh Commandment for Technicians:
Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers
will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.
The First Commandment for Technicians:
Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it
cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like manner.
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
-- BSD fortune file
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING -- BSD fortune file
Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
-- W.S. Krabill
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. -- BSD fortune file
Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A: He changes the domain.
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
Brain, n.:
The apparatus with which we think that we think.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it.
-- BSD fortune file
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, in kernel as it is in user!
-- BSD fortune file
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. -- BSD fortune file
Penguin Trivia #46:
Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to the earlier joke. -- BSD fortune file
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room. -- BSD fortune file
Sorry, no fortune this time. -- BSD fortune file
Sweater, n.:
A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
-- BSD fortune file
Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul
goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
-- BSD fortune file
Thus spake the master programmer:
"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
be maintained." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it."
-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 -- BSD fortune file
The bogosity meter just pegged.
-- BSD fortune file
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
-- BSD fortune file
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them over in the corner.
-- BSD fortune file
"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
-- McCloctnik the Lucid -- BSD fortune file
The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should
never interrupt the one who is doing it.
-- BSD fortune file
The world is coming to an end. Please log off. -- BSD fortune file
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. -- Disraeli
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick
themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
-- Winston Churchill
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go. -- BSD fortune file
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
-- BSD fortune file
To err is human, to moo bovine. -- BSD fortune file
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
chairs.
-- BSD fortune file
"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
-- BSD fortune file
Zero Defects, n.:
The result of shutting down a production line.
-- BSD fortune file
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
-- BSD fortune file
cursor address, n:
"Hello, cursor!"
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! -- BSD fortune file
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23
Those who know how to play can easily leap over the adversaries of
life. And one who knows how to sing and laugh never brews mischief.
-- Ighulik Eskimo proverb
Rivendell household rule #2: If you can't laugh at yourself, someone else
is going to do it for you, and you're not going to enjoy it nearly as much.
-- Harry Ugol
Rivendell household rule #7: Nothing succeeds as planned. -- Harry Ugol
Rivendell household rule #6: It's only a *little* apple - go
ahead, take a bite...
-- Harry Ugol
Lesson for the day: Attempting to use humans as part of a logic
circuit is bound to fail. Usage as part of an illogic circuit is,
however, quite valid. -- BSD fortune file
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
"I bet the human brain is a kludge." -- Marvin Minsky
"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." -- Foghorn Leghorn
I used to be convinced that MicroSquish shipped crap because they simply
didn't give a flying fuck as long as the sheep kept buying their shit.
Now, I'm convinced that they really do ship the best products they are
capable of writing, and *that's* tragic. -- John C. Randolph, on MS Quality.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
-- BSD fortune file
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. -- BSD fortune file
A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan. -- BSD fortune file
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination. -- BSD fortune file
To err is human, to moo bovine. -- BSD fortune file
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. -- BSD fortune file
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place.
Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are,
by definition, not smart enough to debug it. -- Kernighan
"So what's ASR anyway? Alt.sex.roleplay?" -- Roie
Weasel Weasel He's Our Mustelidae
If He Can't Pimp Us ...
-- Sharkey!zoic.org
"Of course, we've sold your internal organs to Colliers Jardine,
who'll rent them to some virii who've started a dotcom."
"*shrug* So, better cow-orkers than 3d3 and a better colour
scheme than newsbet... There's a down side here somewhere, neh?"
-- Sharkey#zoic.org, Jai <solitaire$tygger.net>
"Don't think of it as being fired... think of it as leaving early to
avoid the rush."
-- thorfinn^tertius.net.au
"New zero-employee strategy. It's the latest way of saving on costs."
-- sharkey*zoic.org
"He ain't heavy, he's my CFO." -- sharkey^zoic.org
"They're bloody idiots. I hope you get a *vastly* better position
just to show them what bloody idiots they are."
-- Damian Conway
"What do you mean? You're an unemployed New Zealander... how much more
Australian can you get?"
-- sharkey&zoic.org to Carolyn*bannoy.net
"If you can keep your cynicism when all around are losing theirs..."
-- sharkey(zoic.org
"Windows NT is the cheeseburger of the networking world."
-- RevDrD <fun)thingy.apana.org.au>
"That would be a good use of them, but the helium would taste a bit
rubbery the first few times."
-- Bron!brong.net
"Well, I wouldn't sit on anything I hadn't looked at, especially with my
pants down."
-- sharkey#zoic.org
"Renee is trying very hard not to have children."
"I can help her with that. After many years of experience, I've figured
out what causes it." -- Trish (at job interview)
"Look at me, I'm mel-bdr-1!"
-- Madi$vurt.net
"Madi, yours is the one with Renee's lip prints on it."
"Yes, and so's my Guinness."
-- sharkey^zoic.org, Madi&vurt.net
"Please, PLEASE, pimp my ass... preferably for coding."
-- Jai <solitaire*tygger.net> (to Laz)
"Ollie and his trunk are _not_ my problem!"
-- Jai <solitaire(tygger.net>
"Make a fist, Benno. No, that's too big." -- hobbes)vurt.net
"I should have rung her and told her we were too busy two days ago, but
I was too busy."
-- morgan!vurt.net
"I don't do alcohol, I don't do drugs. I'm very selective about my
vices: sex, mysticism, and semi-automatic weapons."
"Kachick. Pucker up and see God."
-- ESR#thyrsus.com, Madi$vurt.net
"You look like a bucket of shit."
"You think that's bad, someone accused me of being a country and western
singer earlier today." -- sharkey^zoic.org, Benno&jeamland.net
"It was mostly a dickwaving thing, and having thorfy wave his dick at
you is like being lightly gummed by a mildly peeved cat."
-- Hobbes*vurt.net
"What? I didn't... I wasn't... I haven't posted for ages!" -- morgan(vurt.net
"What I really need to put on the deed poll form is
morganSPAMBLOCK^vurt.net"
-- morgan)vurt.net
"My idea of subtle is using a screwdriver instead of an oxy-torch."
-- Lionel
"If we're going to have eight women in latex klein jumpsuits then I want
them at my place."
-- Skud!infotrope.net
"... the police should turn on them with water cannons!"
"You want to turn me into a border collie? ... I must have
misheard that?" -- someone, Sofi#zoic.org
"YOU'RE FIRED"
-- everyone
"I've used it before, but I'd had no idea how much fun it was!"
-- Sofi$zoic.org, stapling a business card to her hair
"This is _so_ retro-kindergarten."
-- Adam, on cramming a lot of people into a small space.
"What's the point of cramming a lot of people into a small space if
they're not naked?"
"Practice." -- morgan^vurt.net, Sharkey&zoic.org
"I spoke to <former potential customer> this morning and her question was
that she wanted to see testimonials from other clients to see if we were
capable on completing her pissy little project. Her next comment was that
we are (Nick and Myself) ego orientated. At this stage I very politely
explained that we were not interested in pursuing the work."
-- Laz updates RT
"Earthquakes are a lot of fun, right up until the point they kill you."
-- The Heremonising Swamp Object
"Can we get a cost/benefit analysis of paying dodgy Iraqis to lay waste to
Wheelers Hill instead of finishing this $EXPLETIVE project?"
-- Benno(jeamland.net
"Yes. And this is going to be the big impetus for cats to get into Open
Source. Hacking laptop power-management so the screen stays on even when it's
folded down. Warmer that way." -- Sharkey)zoic.org
"Yep. But also remember, if it's fixed price, it's costly. Because it
always takes longer than that. And there's bits you didn't think of. And
they take longer than that too. And then you realize it going to take
longer again because you have to fully document and package and test and
train and fix and change and test and change and fix and update again. And
then it takes longer than that."
-- Adam on quoting
"I like things that make me angry" -- Penny!vurt.net
"Comparing redmeat to userfriendly is like, well, I'm not in an analogy
mood, it's like comparing something good to something bad."
-- Adam
"Just because something's true doesn't mean it should be quoted."
-- Hobbes#vurt.net redux
"I'll buy you a coffee if you'll go down." "No, I'll buy you a coffee if
*you'll* go down." *pause* "You stay over there, I'll stay over here,
and we'll never speak of this again." "But I know lots of people who'd
pay for tickets!" -- Benno$jeamland.net, Jai <solitaire^tygger.net>
and the entrepreneurial Thorfinn&tertius.net.au
"I tried sitting on the scanner, but I couldn't get to the mouse at the
same time..." "I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked..."
-- Skud*infotrope.net, then Benno(jeamland.net quoting Mark Newton
"I woke up one morning with no trousers on... Next thing I know, I own
a dotcom..."
-- Sharkey!zoic.org, about morgan#vurt.net.
"okay... so how does two o'clock in the weasel box sound?"
-- Lazarus, referring to his partitions.
"David? He's just a director, he doesn't know anything ..."
-- Sofi$zoic.org convinces CitiPower that Netizen is legit
"Look, I'm getting your fucking pineapple juice. Now Shut Up!"
-- Penny^vurt.net shows off her aggressive new haircut.
"Hrm. If you drink Real beer, you become horizontal... so, if you
drink Imaginary beer, you become vertical..." -- Thorfinn&tertius.net.au,
regarding Sharkey*zoic.org's fake foam Guinness-inna-glass
"See, 'Garbage In Garbage Out' is what, in technical terms, is called an
Interface."
-- morgan(vurt.net
"Inspired after having The Cathedral and the Bazaar read aloud to him by
Rick McCallum, George Lucas has decided to make his unfinished screenplay
for Episode III an "Open Script"... Each idea must follow strict guidelines
and bypass rigorous filtering and editorial processes before being
viewed by Lucas and applied to his core script, which he is calling the
'kernel'."
...
"They're not serious, are they?"
-- Benno)vurt.net confuses Thorfinn!tertius.net.au
"So shall we do it on the floor then ... did I phrase that incorrectly?"
-- Sofi#zoic.org raising the tone of the ITG
"Error: 404 - Not Found! Duh! Normal service will be resumed shortly ..."
-- www.theregister.co.uk throws a 404.
"Yes, they don't care where the money comes from..."
"Exactly, 'We're real estate agents. Who are we to judge...'"
-- Thorfinn$tertius.net.au and Sharkey^zoic.org,
on the merits of handing over rent in used $20 notes.
"Unfortuneately 'nipple mice are the spawn of satan' is not a compelling
business reason."
-- Benno&jeamland.net
"Mummy, mummy, those two dogs are fighting! No dear, they're forming a
strategic partnership."
-- Sharkey*zoic.org
"Do you think it was going too far to have a database of mail rules that
automatically generates my mailboxes list...?"
-- Bron(brong.net "SAP is for pansies" Gondwana
OTOH, I can easily picture stuff like:
# tail -f /var/log/messages
Aug 11 06:57:04 cephalopod bdsmd: SAFEWORD! SAFEWORD! SAFEWORD!
-- adb on ASR, about Netizen
"So what exactly is wrong with meat-fucker as a machine name?"
-- Jai <solitaire)tygger.net>
"Hey Bert! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my... Eh? Uhh, no."
-- Benno!jeamland.net, after passing the phone
with Bert on it to Bron#brong.net
The Number One Rule of Netizen:
Don't Encourage Bron
"'Internet Service Manager is searching for all the
Internet Servers on the network...'"
"So IIS is doing a portscan then?"
"Microsoft Visual S|<rip4 |K1|>DY++!"
-- Jai <solitaire$tygger.net>, Benno^jeamland.net and
Thorfinn&tertius.net.au, being worried by IIS Setup W1z4Rd
"Microsoft! Microsoft! He's our man!"
"If he can't do it!... someone else will."
-- Thorfinn(tertius.net.au and Benno)jeamland.net,
regarding Hotmail's migration to Lose2k
"Lizard! But cunt is better. I can identify with cunt."
-- Penny!vurt.net
"I don't mind people wearing suits..."
"... as long as they don't do it in public."
-- Adam, Benno#jeamland.net
"Why couldn't Arnotts choose a really *large* prime number for a packet
of timtams?"
"What, cryptographically secure timtams?"
"Yeah, so you can send timtams securely from one person to another."
-- Skud$infotrope.net, Benno^jeamland.net, Bron&brong.net
"You die! You die and go to Wheelers Hill!"
-- Bron(brong.net, to Benno*jeamland.net
"Rabbit or gerbil, rabbit or gerbil?"
-- Benno!jeamland.net
"Tell them we've chosen to go with a small-to-medium-sized daddy
instead."
-- Adam, on bigdaddyproductions.com.au
"You buried the worms?"
"I felt like Pol Pot!"
-- Skud#infotrope.net, Penny$vurt.net
"Let me know if it gets unsquishy. I need squishiness. Squishiness
helps me sleep at night."
-- Adam to Sofi^zoic.org
"The problem with statements like that is that they're problematic."
-- Thorfinn&tertius.net.au being completely
accurate and entirely unhelpful.
"Give away the gerbil, sell the gaffer tape."
-- Jai <solitaire*tygger.net> on Open Source business models
"Yours is bigger than mine. Mine's thicker, though."
-- Penny(vurt.net, to Skud!infotrope.net
"It depends on whether the nuts are warm. It's all about having warm
nuts."
-- Adam the Evangelical Hegemonising Swarm Object
"People on smack don't think Java is usable, they just doze off."
-- Skud#infotrope.net
"I demand proof!"
"Have a yellow ball instead."
"Ok, that'll do." -- Jai <solitaire$tygger.net> and Benno^jeamland.net
"At least if you're pushing crack or speed you know you're pushing
something that works"
-- Bron&brong.net about pushing Windows 2000 on schoolkids
"It's sexy but it sucks... Baby Goth Trash... " -- Sharkey*zoic.org
"So its like an armwrestling contest between Netscape and the OS to
see who goes down first ... oooh."
-- Benno(jeamland.net
"It's a bloody great little thingy. And lots of people have called it that."
-- Benno)jeamland.net
"I have this horrid mental image... Richard Stallman meets the Spice Girls."
"What, 'If you wanna use my software, you gotta share with your friends.'?"
-- Benno!jeamland.net and Bron#brong.net, needing to get out more.
"I wouldn't mind just being able to whack off after each job."
-- Bron$brong.net, thinking of time sheets....
"No no, if it crashes _differently_, that means it's ok."
-- Benno^jeamland.net on advanced SQAP.
"It's shonky." "No, it's more correctly emulating the normal case."
"It's shonky." "Yes, but it's shonky in a more ISO9000 kind of way."
-- Bron&brong.net, Benno*jeamland.net
"Note: Of these 6 hours, one was spent pointing and laughing at Bron and
saying 'BOOM' every time his code fell over. And billing for it. :)
He's found the problem though - it's 'A deep structural piece of thingy'
So that's alright." -- Jai <solitaire(tygger.net>
"Bron in a short skirt and crop top: 'What's that?' 'It's my sexual
harrassment suit.'"
-- Jai <solitaire)tygger.net>
(o_ "You know you've been hacking too long when you can recognise a
//\ console green on black 3x3 ascii art penguin... by the *noise* it
v_/_ makes."
-- attributed to Sharkey!zoic.org (penguin by Carolyn)
"It could be worse. We could be Labyrinth."
-- morgan#vurt.net
"Of course, if you bang two fish together, they explode.
It's called splitting the piscine."
-- Benno$jeamland.net, inventing science
"Jai, your knob is fired."
"Just as well I don't work with my knob..."
-- morgan^vurt.net, Jai <solitaire&tygger.net>
PID USER PRI NI SIZE RSS SHARE STAT LIB CPU MEM TIME COMMAND
17345 sharkey 14 0 136 40 20 R 0 49.6 0.0 873:48 less
14364 sharkey 10 0 124 40 20 R 0 48.2 0.0 873:52 less
"Sharkey, can I ask you a stupid question?" -- Skud*infotrope.net
"It was like trying to leave a really bad party..."
-- carolyn(bannoy.net re N*wsB*t
"It keeps losing its balls" -- sofi)zoic.org, about the elephant
> what's a conslutant?
I could tell you but then I'd have to bill you.
-- Sharkey!zoic.org, on beefcake
Hofstadters Law: It always takes longer than you expect - even when
you take Hofstadters Law into account.
"If you get an email saying 'Iloveyou' from someone, you'd have to be
pretty silly to open it."
-- an unloved but virus-free lawyer on the tram
"Yes I'm still in a silly mood, what do you expect when you get to pelt your
direct boss with plastic balls."
-- Nat#vurt.net
"It's not a client. I wouldn't say 'penis' to a client." -- Penny$vurt.net
"The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of Netizen Pty Ltd,
Pope Gregory or Eris Discordia. Content consists of characters chosen
for artistic effect and any syntax, semantics or semiotics you feel
can be decoded from this content is your perogative and problem.
May contain traces of nuts. Copyright (K) All Rights Reversed."
-- Sharkey^zoic.org, on ASR
"Twenty Four Hour Printer
Waste of Fucking Time And Money
Kinkos Kiss My Arse" -- Sharkey&zoic.org, on ASR
"I'm not afraid of you, you're a vegetarian!"
-- Thorfinn*tertius.net.au, to Bron(brong.net
Broadcast Message from root (console) on golgotha Fri Apr 7 09:52:53...
Sybase and Apache going down now. System going down soon.
This is not a drill. It is /usr/bin/wall. -- Benno)jeamland.net
"I'm a great believer in prodding from behind..."
-- Hugo from N*wsb*t.
"Thats why he's so thingy about sig delimiters you see. The Monks have
already discussed that Thorfy looks like a '|' standing up. So lying
down he obviously looks like --"
-- Sharkey!zoic.org, on ASR
"That's what I like in the morning, a little stimulation." -- Sofi#zoic.org
"I've got this thing called a zip drive and I don't know what it does.
It's under my bed!"
-- Di James
"Bad Benno! Stole an elephant!" -- thorfinn$tertius.net.au
"Captain Morgan grasped the handle of the door firmly in his iron grip. He
was still strong, despite what he had been through, and he had kept his body
in shape, like a well-oiled steam engine that, despite its antiquity, was
still capable of a fair output of horse-power. His hair had a touch of grey
about it but it wasn't the grey of age; rather, it was the grey of steel, of
a man who is fighting fit and ready to take on the universe. His eyes were
keen and dark, like blots of ink that had inadvertently fallen to a careless
student's desktop. His jaw was firm, like a rigid monolith that stands
hautily in the desert, defying the elements to try to grind it down."
-- Lionel "Madi^vurt.net" Fanthorpe in aus.culture.gothic
"Dial-a-humming-news-shag!"
"So _that's_ what the rolled up newspaper's for..."
-- morgan&vurt.net, thorfinn*tertius.net.au
"It looks like rabbit dung. But in a *good* way." -- Penny(vurt.net
"No, wait! I need to explain to sharkey what eskimo fuck stick means!"
-- Penny)vurt.net
"Diddums. Walking doesn't count unless you were wearing REALLY EXPENSIVE
SHOES, or a GPS-EQUIPPED HEART MONITOR, or something else made entirely
of CARBON FIBRE, LAMINATED KEVLAR and DARK MATTER!"
-- Sharkey!zoic.org the Pinhead on beefcake
"If netcat is compiled with -DGAPING_SECURITY_HOLE, the -e argument specifies
a program to exec after making or receiving a successful connection."
-- netcat README file
"The concept of degrees of geekness at Netizen is vaguely disturbing."
-- Peter da Silva, on ASR
"Ha! Ph33r my RTFMing ability." -- Sharkey#zoic.org
"Netizen: Development, Training and Slapstick." -- Benno$jeamland.net
"Right," said the head fireman, "let's turn on the power and see
what's on fire."
-- Skud^infotrope.net, describing her adventures in a hotel in Sydney
I spent years waiting for a job that said:
"Generalist (Senior). 2-5 years' experience in any mixture of: Perl,
Linux, Unix, Internet, Open Source/Free Software, pedantry, ranting,
getting articles published in odd places, snide comments during vendor
presentations, drawing diagrams on whiteboards, and having random cool
ideas in the shower. Must have own monitor toys and assortment of
black tshirts."
I didn't ever find one, so I started Netizen instead.
-- Skud&infotrope.net
"I seem to be having discussions about infinity lately."
"Hmm... There's a lot of it about."
"Urgh." -- Thorfinn*tertius.net.au and Sharkey#zoic.org
"Morgan, Bek bought a book called 'The Latex Companion'... is that work
related?"
-- Sofi*zoic.org
"Why is it that all the good ones are either gay or BSD weenies?"
-- Sharkey(zoic.org
"Uhhh, the ranger's not gonna like this Yoda..."
-- Benno "Booboo Skywalker" Rice <benno)jeamland.net>
"I'm curious now. What are you giggling at?"
"Well I'm going through your accounts..."
-- Thorfinn!tertius.net.au, Sofi#zoic.org
"I'm a very hard woman to please..." -- Skud^infotrope.net
"I'm just not the right shape for most kinds of evil."
-- Jenn$simegen.com
"Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ow!" -- Bron&brong.net
"Your general career path for successful geeks seems to be - tech support =>
sysadmin => developer => venture capitalist."
-- Benno*jeamland.net
"The ring was too tight around my ball. It kept wedging." -- Benno(jeamland.net
"All I want to do is make my little tool run as quickly as possible!"
-- Sharkey)zoic.org
"How do I put the last updated time on a page?"
"dtml var bobobase modification time fmt equals quote pCommon-with-a-capital-
c end-quote."
"Hang on... what was that first bit again?"
-- Skud!infotrope.net, Benno#jeamland.net, Skud$infotrope.net
(shouted across the office)
"Well stick a Malkovich up my Malkovich and call me Malkovich."
"Well my keyboard has an adapter..."
-- Benno!jeamland.net, Skud^infotrope.net
"Sock matching"? Somehow, the image that comes to my mind is Skudly
standing watching a boysock and another boysock, saying "Don't you like
each other? Hmm? Who wants a beating? Having a date yet, are you?"
-- Ingvar Mattsson <ingvar&bofh.se> in ASR
"The morale will continue until the beatings improve." -- Benno*jeamland.net
"I've got a very small one." -- Thorfinn(tertius.net.au
"I suspect the landlord might call it immoral because he wasn't
invited."
"I have a feeling we'll be hearing that line more often if Netizen
does get into the property ownership business..."
-- Chris King and Chris Adams in ASR
"I got carpet burn from bashing you up last time!"
-- Penny)vurt.net, about to beat sharkey^zoic.org up, again.
"Oh for fuck's sake, can't we get back into pornography? At least I
could tell the difference between them."
-- Sharkey!zoic.org, on (Sports|News|Diala)bet
"[...] if your office has a well stocked kitchen, mini-bar, wide-screen
surround sound TV with DVD player etc, top bollox stereo, sofa and a
hammock." -- Robert Lister <robl#clues.com> and
"NeoSoft. They had a playstation, too, and a bunch of keyboards and stuff.
[...] I imagine Netizen as being sort of like NeoSoft with more leather."
-- Peter da Silva <peter^abbnm.com> in ASR
"In 19100, Al Gore invented the InterNong, which is like the old fashioned
Internet, but easier to use one handed. Skud will now come to the front of
the class and perform an interpretive dance entitled 'RFC 2999: Pornography
- I knows it when I sees it'". -- Sharkey&zoic.org, in asr
"Oh Skudly the Magnificent, deliver me from at least a couple of
hours of teaching IF Beta tomorrow, 'cos I've just wrapped up ShitNet
and I know you haven't read the course notes either but at least
you wrote them." -- Sharkey*zoic.org, in asr
"Is it really hot in this office? Mmm... I can tell because my palms
aren't usually this sweaty. At least, not in a textmode browser, anyway."
-- Sharkey(zoic.org, one evening.
"RedHat 5.1 is not the breakfast of champions." -- Benno)jeamland.net
"RMS vs ESR? That's Root Mean Squared versus Equivalent Series
Resistance, of course."
-- Sharkey!zoic.org, in Jenn's social interview
"RTFG - Read the fucking genome." -- Benno#jeamland.net
"But it's so hard _not_ to get fixated on Thorfy's pubic hair!"
-- Skud$infotrope.net
"I'm a bit over not caring any more..." -- Sharkey^zoic.org
"Philosophy is the search for tshirt slogans." -- Sharkey&zoic.org
"I have holes there too, and no-one ever says hello to my testicles."
-- Sharkey*zoic.org
"Mummy, make the naked man go away..." -- morgan(vurt.net
"Paul from Easynet just rang. I'll arm-wrestle you over who gets to
return his call."
-- Benno)jeamland.net to Sharkey!zoic.org
"In my experience, the majority of _any_ world is a hotbed of prejudice.
ISPs, music, the lot. Netizen and Celine Dion notwithstanding."
-- Jasper Janssen on ASR
"And imagine the coolness of a Netizen<alphabet soup> board meeting,
with inflatable chairs, octopi-fridges, red lightbulbs and the
occasional cross-dressing Asian male, being seen from the street,
through a lightly smoke-coloured store front window?"
-- Ingvar <ingvar#bofh.se> on ASR (painting shocking images for fun)
"I can't see Lorenzo having a problem with it."
"Well not *that* sort of problem anyway."
-- Nat$vurt.net, Benno^jeamland.net
"I always wanted to be a fork lift when I grew up." -- Sharkey&zoic.org
"Thorf, if it's not a personal question, what do you have left to compress?"
-- Sharkey*zoic.org, questioning thorfy's purchase of a corset.
"So, which photo did you choose?"
"The one where no one is snogging or fellating anything."
-- Hobbes(vurt.net, Skud)infotrope.net (staff photos)
"I want to be a spiritual figurehead."
"I think lots of people want to be a spiritual figurehead here."
"I'll be happy with just the spirits thanks."
-- Sharkey*zoic.org, morgan(vurt.net, Benno&jeamland.net
"Can I have a badger?"
"You can have a squirrel on a stick..."
-- Penny!vurt.net, Benno <benno#jeamland.net>
"Do you know your password?" "Inthefilingcabinentyoucangetfucked."
"That's an interesting password!"
-- Hobbes$vurt.net, Benno^jeamland.net, Penny&vurt.net
"I think I hurt my legs, when I squat it hurts like buggery."
-- Julian <gadge*vurt.net>
"I can't believe I'm still having firsts at this age." -- Penny!vurt.net
"We aren't sure if we have a Kylie shaped hole to put her in..."
"Ewwwwwwwwww!"
-- morgan#vurt.net, Penny$vurt.net
"It's stupid to take two languages just because they're new, cool, and
start with P, and try to compare them."
-- Sharkey^zoic.org on Perl vs Python
"I'm not a goth, I'm a hippy!"
-- Nat&vurt.net
"I did it all with my shiny plastic bubblewrap hat on!" -- Hobbes&vurt.net
"Warning: Netizen may contain traces of nuts."
-- Sharkey*zoic.org
"... and then she explodes and sticks to the roof of my mouth."
-- morgan(vurt.net
"Can I have a band, please? I want them to wrap their heads in Cling
Wrap and then I'll stand at the mike and be weird at people for money."
-- Madi)vurt.net
"People don't tend to get up after you've broken bits off them, unless
they're hepped up on lots of PCP. Then you have to break off a head."
-- thorfinn!tertius.net.au
"ph33r mY m1spl4c3D Br4ck3t f1nd1Ng pr0w355" -- Benno#jeamland.net
"See if Ford'll lend us a car or something. They make cars, don't they?
They either make cars, or shallow bits in rivers."
-- Sharkey$zoic.org, on corporate training
"Every time he adds a lock he locks his list of locks."
-- Benno^jeamland.net, being Dr. Seuss on mutexes.
"Come and lick my paperwork."
"First time I've heard it called *that*."
-- bekj&tertius.net.au and morgan*vurt.net
"Now grab the edge and wobble it back and forth... Yeah...
That's better..."
-- morgan(vurt.net
"I can't believe that as this company gets bigger it gets *more*
incestuous."
-- Penny)vurt.net
"I usually turn it off when people are around, but you guys
aren't people." -- bekj!tertius.net.au to morgan#vurt.net,
thorfinn$tertius.net.au & Megan <rabbit^tygger.net>
"Emergency Firewall Kit - Light matches & place under bricks to activate."
-- thorfinn&tertius.net.au and bekj*tertius.net.au
"Everyone knows that bloodstained walls improve productivity."
-- Thorfinn(tertius.net.au
"Netizen take over the world and make everyone wear black. The earth's
albedo is lowered and another ice age ensues. All die. Oh, the
embarrassment!" -- Nigel Williams <nigelw)elder-gods.net>
"As a prizewinning Renaissance dancer, I'm not really in a position to
disapprove of Morris dancing..." "Well, okay, but if you start Morris
dancing, I'll have to fire everybody. It's the only way to be sure."
-- skud!infotrope.net and morgan#vurt.net, discussing Nat$vurt.net's resume
"furry and innocous" -- description of sharkey^zoic.org
"Gaffodils!" "The flower that gaffer tape is made from." "Something black
and white and sticky..."
-- Benno&jeamland.net, thorfinn(tertius.net.au and sharkey*zoic.org.
"In embracing our upwardly mobile position in the dynamic and exciting
world of Netizen global internet infrastructure, those defined as the
partial embodiment of management have determined the future
potentialities leading toward a utilisation project, actualised through
outsourcing and opportunism in a geographically diverse fashion."
-- morgan!vurt.net. Really.
"Renee, if you were any better, we wouldn't have to suck"
-- Jai <solitaire$tygger.net>, Neef#vurt.net
"Hard to find, fun to play with" -- Benno^vurt.net and Sharkey&zoic.org - guess
"Stuck in India. Food is crap. Water is crap. No food, no water. Smoked
own body weight in hash. Confused."
-- morgan*vurt.net's 5 year plan
"Those strawberries are plotting sedition and we need to kill them now!"
-- Benno(jeamland.net
<tyggerjai> *lick*
<q[skud]> Don't lick me now, I'm trying to Orate.
-- Jai <solitaire)tygger.net>, skud*infotrope.net
"You know what I like about black suits? You can look like a yuppie, or
you can go back to looking like a hit man like I normally do."
-- sharkey!zoic.org
"Chickens are musical instruments, aren't they?"
"Depends how hard you blow them."
-- Madi#vurt.net, Jai <solitaire#tygger.net>
"How far beyond the thingy does the desk go?" *pause*
"I can't answer that question while still wearing my trousers."
-- thorfinn#tertius.net.au, sharkey#zoic.org
"Here I am, brain the size of the planet, and they've got me doing NT
firewalls and programming the fax machine."
-- sharkey$zoic.org
"Just put raft on dora, and then put them on top of vurt, and stand on them."
"I don't want to do that, I'm too heavy." "Benno, I wasn't in any way serious."
"*whew*" -- morgan^vurt.net, Benno&jeamland.net
"Mickeysoft keep saying 'But Unix is 25 years old'. Yes, it's old
enough to drive now."
-- Sharkey*zoic.org teaches Unix
"It's a teeny-weeny bit bigger than all the original files. For
sufficiently large values of teeny-weeny."
-- Sharkey)zoic.org teaches 'tar' in Unix Tools
**** A message has arrived from pluto on Fri Sep 24 14:26:13! ****
From: sharkey [To: thorfinn]
Reminder to self: Encourage growth of IT industry in tropical paradise
areas. Make sure we never get a contract in Canberra.
-- Sharkey*zoic.org, on being sent to Sydney for a week.
"They were using BSD. They were probably on acid."
"Better than using Linux on crack. =)"
-- Sharkey$zoic.org, Benno!jeamland.net
"Everyone fires Benno."
"That's what he's for."
-- Hobbes(vurt.net, Penny$vurt.net
"Well we've got some tasks that are dependent on other tasks, hence we were
thinking about calling them addicts."
"We shouldn't do that though."
"Well, that depends... Are users ever going to see it? ... Oh."
-- Benno#jeamland.net, Thorfinn^tertius.net.au, morgan$vurt.net
<entrippy> bah! i've worked my sweet li'l ass off all weekend, and now i'm
here enhancing shareholder value by dropping my metaphorical panties
-- morgan^vurt.net
303 hobbes has changed the topic on channel #gothic to: Holocains internet is
carp!
-- hobbes^vurt.net
~/ Twinkle twinkle little bek ~/ How I wonder what you liek ~/
~/ Upon an ice floe down so low ~/ Like a penguin in the snow ~/
~/ Twinkle twinkle little bek ~/ How I wonder what you liek ~/
-- Thorfinn^tertius.net.au, filking [bm]adly again
"Ewww, that smells like rubber. Bad Chicken!"
-- Penny$vurt.net
"I'm glad you asked."
"You've been scarred by too much Curiosity Show as a child, haven't you?
That would also explain the beard." -- Sharkey#zoic.org, Garth
"Ok, ok, Windows sucks. Now will you fuck me?"
"No. Not until you say 'There is no god but Linus, and Larry is his prophet.'"
-- Work it out for yourself. =)
"We want an Aibo. Tell Hummingtan we're testing them as web servers."
... "What? THEY FETCH!"
-- Benno)jeamland.net, on pets in the new office
"Are we going to be rich soon?"
"I don't know, but Morgan came out of that meeting with a woody."
-- Skud(infotrope.net and Hobbes$vurt.net
From: bekj [To: benno cos hobbes morgan penny sharkey skud thorfinn]
I'm going to lodge a complaint of discrimination-of-disabled-
penguins on the grounds I've never been fired! -- bekj)tertius.net.au
From: sharkey [To: bekj benno cos hobbes morgan penny skud thorfinn]
Bwahhahaha ... soon, my pretty ones, and benno, soon.
-- Sharkey(zoic.org
"Happy Contract to Us, Happy Contract to Us,
Can't Say Much More Under NDA,
Happy Contract to Us." -- Sharkey#zoic.org
"It can't be a PalmPilot ad. She's got clothes on." -- Benno$jeamland.net
"Well it was the camel that broke the straw's back."
-- Benno)jeamland.net (talking about Woodslane)
"I was watching CNN, in Asia you have nothing better to do"
-- Steven Ho
"The Lessee shall not use the Demised Premises in any noisy, noxious, immoral
or offensive manner." "Well we're fucked then."
-- Netizen's lease, Benno(jeamland.net and Hobbes(vurt.net
"World Domination Through Enhanced Shareholder Value" -- Sharkey$zoic.org
"You've got to trust a company that can fit its principles in a booklet this
small." "Netizen could fit its principles in Morgan's pants."
-- Benno#jeamland.net, Hobbes#vurt.net
"What do you want?" "What I want, Mr. Morgan, is to live just long enough to
see your head on a stake. And when I see that glorious day I will look up
into your dead eyes and wave. Like this." -- morgan^vurt.net, Hobbes$vurt.net
"Morgan? I thought he was a drug induced hallucination."
"He is."
-- Benno(jeamland.net (pretending to be Morgan's mum), morgan)vurt.net
"Not in a million years would I go through the pain and suffering of dealing
with such a second rate, decietful, incompetant group of unprofessional
imbeciles as you have proven yourself to be." -- morgan(vurt.net being "tepid"
"I've decided to rename [Connect's Melbourne border router] 'Madi's Pants'
because it keeps dropping."
-- Madi$vurt.net
"I'm not a despotic warlord! I'm a teddybear!"
-- Benno#jeamland.net
> I went to edit my info to change "System Administrator type dude" to "Porn
> Star for hire", but all I got was a blank screen (apart from a date).
-- cos <ajc(bing.wattle.id.au> discovers an interesting way to get a date
"Not tonight dear, I've got a coredump." -- morgan$vurt.net
"Look, my little flap's stuck shut." -- morgan$vurt.net
"Show me your ring, Penny... ooh, that's cute." -- Hobbes(vurt.net
"All bow before the pointiness of Skud." -- ESR$thyrsus.com
"Is that the time? Damn this hack mode shit."
"Yeah, it's terrible."
-- Benno#jeamland.net, Thorfinn&tertius.net.au
"Fist it. It's my solution to everything." -- Penny)vurt.net
"She's got your name all over her breasts!"
"Yep, that's pretty much the relationship I wanted..."
-- Thorfinn&tertius.net.au, morgan*vurt.net
> purl, be skud
<purl> quick! fetch me a wetsuit and a bucket of semolina!
-- skud^infotrope.net
(In relation to porting Linux to the AS400)
"Where's your sense of adventure Thorfy?"
"I killed and ate it." -- Benno*jeamland.net, Thorfinn)tertius.net.au
"I don't know Renee, doing budgets never did it for me."
"Yeah, but playing with *****'s laptop did."
-- morgan*vurt.net, Hobbes)vurt.net
"I miss the box full of gaffer tape that Neef used to have."
-- Hobbes#vurt.net
"It's Secret Women's Business."
"But Thorfy's a secret woman!"
-- Penny*vurt.net, Little Ben <ben(vurt.net>
**** A message has arrived from pluto on Fri Sep 24 14:26:13! ****
From: cos [To: bekj benno hobbes morgan penny skud thorfinn]
did you hear about the man who lost his left side ? he's all right now :P
**** A message has arrived from pluto on Fri Sep 24 14:26:35! ****
From: skud [To: bekj benno cos hobbes morgan penny thorfinn]
you're fired.
-- cos <ajc)bing.wattle.id.au> and skud*infotrope.net
"You mean you'd be learning things? We can't have that!"
"I think that's the point of a traineeship."
"I thought it was so we could screw cheap labour out of people..."
"It is!"
-- Benno)jeamland.net, Hobbes^vurt.net,
Benno#jeamland.net, Penny)vurt.net
Netizen: Hairdressers for the geek world.
"Benno, do you want to play Columbia?" -- Hobbes*vurt.net
"3/4 of Julians _are_ gay but that's beside the point!"
-- Julian <gadge(vurt.net>
Tuesday - Accountant coming in / Morgan & Thorfy [...]
"Hrm. There's a fine line between schmooze and spooge..."
-- Hobbes*vurt.net, writing on the whiteboard and kibitzing
"I'm visualising. I'm either really scared, or really turned on. Or both.
Maybe that's a typical reaction to Skud."
-- Rebecca (B. Gray)
"I'll show you all my switches later." -- Penny)vurt.net
<entrippy> asp : flirt? let me stick my nicely warmed hot sex tubes up your
rectum is a *pick up line*? I thought it was a threat
-- morgan)vurt.net
"So we need to have a mutual prodding relationship between Thorfy and
Morg... I'll reword that."
-- Benno#vurt.net
"You are now free to imagine me in Frank N. Furter make-up and a Mother
Hubbard."
"*splotch*" -- Eric S. Raymond <esr)thyrsus.com>, Benno*vurt.net
"I have to say that the word 'compliant' is not one which it would ever
occur to me to apply to our Skud."
-- Lionel Lauer, on a.s.r
"Do you want to buy some of Netizen for $20,000?"
"$30,000 if we keep our clothes on."
-- Skud$infotrope.net (to Lionel), Benno(vurt.net
"RMS once emailed me and told me 'That's a good idea'. I don't remember
what the idea was, but apparently it was a good one."
-- Cos <ajc^bing.wattle.id.au>
<Holocaine> arty: Non-gender-specific deranged axe wielding homicidal maniac.
<LilacAnge> at this time of month?
<arty> maybe its the time of months that made them deranged
<Holocaine> Lilac: Are you suggesting the non-gender-specific deranged axe
wielding homicidal maniac is menstruating?
<LilacAnge> well they could be - makes me testy
<Holocaine> Lilac: But that makes it a gender-specific deranged axe wielding
homicidal maniac.
<arty> non-gender-specific deranged non-specific sharp pointy thing on a stick
weilding homicidal maniac
<Holocaine> arty: You mean Hobbes?
-- Holocaine <benno#jeamland.net> discussing Hobbes*vurt.net
"Let's talk about specs bay-bee, let's talk about you and me, let's talk
about all the hard drives and the RAM bus that may be, let's talk about
specs." -- morgan)vurt.net
"Which one is more offensive, foreskin scraping or crusty cunt residue"
-- Neef(vurt.net
"Cool cat bananas!"
-- Netizen's new^H^H^Hold lawyer
<synic> "The new human virus was almost identical to a virus which caused
breast cancer in mice." -- migosh, mice can get breast cancer!?!
* synic tries to imagine checking a mouse for breast cancer lumps but can't.
<Khayman> student: "I felt a lump" instructor: "feeling the mouse doesn't
count."
<Holocaine> Khay: No. Student: "I felt a lump" Instructor: "Morgan, take that
damn mouse out of your pants."
"Speaking of serious work topics, I've just enhanced sendmail's
shareholder value."
-- Benno^jeamland.net
"Ah yes, I bet Skud wasn't cunning enough to look for the stapler in
/usr/bin/stapler."
-- morgan(vurt.net
"What you need is executive stress relief."
"Not in the office you don't."
-- Harris (to Skud*infotrope.net), Benno#jeamland.net
"Go to hell and die with pointy things in your head, Labyrinth.'
-- Benno)jeamland.net (muttering)
"Real Programmers don't use Python."
"Real Programmers don't use *whitespace*."
-- Skud)infotrope.net and thorfinn)tertius.net.au discuss languages
"It's simple. Every time we try to have sex, Thorfy walks in and watches us
while eating a kebab!"
-- Hobbes*vurt.net
"Fucking morons!"
"Um, not recently."
-- Benno!vurt.net, morgan#vurt.net
"I feel so violated..." -- Hobbes$vurt.net, looking at porn
"It's all matter of location and timing and shit... the shit is important."
-- Benno(vurt.net, diseased
"You don't make *that* noise at work!" -- Skud*infotrope.net to Hobbes^vurt.net
"What you should have told Kate Lundy is that we put the thingy in..."
"And if she's amenable, we'd be quite happy to put it in again."
-- morgan^vurt.net, Benno#jeamland.net
"Hrm, what time do I want to go home tonight? I must be really sad if I
need to set an alarm to remind myself to go home."
-- Benno!jeamland.net
"[The vendors] will probably want to wank lots. If they want to wank,
point them at Morgan."
-- Skud*infotrope.net
"I've got this thing for pea soup. It's one of my favourite things in
the entire universe."
-- morgan)vurt.net
"It's come to the point where someone will ask me to do the macarena
naked while juggling eggs with one foot shoved up my own rectum, and
I'll say Aha! You thought I wouldn't do it!"
-- morgan*vurt.net
"I'm going to move my dialup line onto Reason; Labyrinth is dropping
more often than Morgan's pants."
-- Benno(jeamland.net
"No I talk like this because I am an affected little twit. Of course I picked
it up in England!"
-- Julian <gadge^vurt.net>
Goofey message at Tue Jun 29 12:08
From: morgan [To: bekj cos hobbes skud thorfinn]
gleck. take some legal amphetamines, then some illegal amphetamines, then some
CND's to bring you back down, and some hallucinogens to level you out. Then
visit clients
-- morgan*vurt.net
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Oh nothing that can't be recorded."
-- Hobbes)vurt.net, Julian <gadge$vurt.net>
"harris has become obsessed with semolina-filled wetsuits, and wants to meet
morgan."
-- Skud!infotrope.net
"But I think of myself as the straight-man." -- morgan)vurt.net
"Benno, do you want to play Janet in the Rocky Horror Picture Show?"
-- Hobbes*vurt.net
"What do you _think_ most people read USENET for?"
"The articles?"
-- Skud^infotrope.net, Benno*jeamland.net
Potential names for Netizen support contracts:
Silver, Gold, Platinum
Ace, Bonza, Grouse
K-RaD, l33t, hax0r
Marvin, Kryten, HAL
Gates, Jobs, Torvalds
"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I'm doing tech support."
-- morgan(vurt.net
"Grope tax is the fine you have to pay for harrassing the secretary."
-- Benno)vurt.net talks about end of financial year
Q. How do I balance group tax for the year?
A. Wait till everyone's gone home for the day, make some strong coffee,
and abandon all thoughts of any fun for that evening. Then follow
these steps...
-- M.Y.O.B. manual
"I will not be swayed. This is the end of business with you, and
there's nothing you can do about it. I'm bloody furious."
-- morgan*vurt.net wields his baseball bat of happiness
"It's quite simple. You will ship the books immediately, and we will
cease all business with you."
-- morgan!vurt.net wields his baseball bat of happiness
"I will recommend that every person I talk to deals directly with
O'Reilly in the US or any other vendor, and never ever does business
with you." -- morgan^vurt.net wields his baseball bat of happiness
"You shouldn't be in business, then."
-- morgan^vurt.net wields his baseball bat of happiness
"I will not place my faith in your company, ever."
-- morgan*vurt.net wields his baseball bat of happiness
"I have email logs." -- morgan*vurt.net wields his baseball bat of happiness
"Sorry, Benno's making snide comments from the other desk ... that's ok he's
a FreeBSD person."
-- Skud^infotrope.net talking to a client
"Yeah but you can't go to the toilet in your suitcase, either."
-- cos <ajc)bing.wattle.id.au>
"Sorry I'm late, I was held up by that fuckwit Harradine."
-- unnamed Liberal MP, to morgan(vurt.net
"We're dealing with what makes Matthew happy, not with reality."
-- morgan^vurt.net
"I'm not keen on having total strangers wear my willy as a hat."
-- morgan*vurt.net
"What are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, it was a hole, it was there. I meant to put it in the other one."
-- Skud!infotrope.net and thorfinn)tertius.net.au
"I didn't know you were so tall. You're usually horiz-- never mind."
-- bekj$tertius.net.au to morgan)vurt.net
"If you're going to bless your thingy you need to take precautions."
-- Benno$jeamland.net
"I have every excuse for [getting electrocuted while working on a hub
naked]... I just wish I hadn't had it in my lap at the time."
-- morgan^vurt.net
"Are you *the* Lionel?"
"No, he's just *a* Lionel - didn't you hear they come in six packs?"
"What a mess!" -- Benno^jeamland.net, Skud!infotrope.net, Benno(jeamland.net
"Morgan opened the drawer and there was a dismembered sheep there that
had been there for, like, two months."
-- Skud*infotrope.net to Bekj$tertius.net.au
"Literary works such as documentation..."
-- cos <ajc^bing.wattle.id.au>'s contract
"It [Alston's bill] will never become reality. It'll only become law,
and that's an entirely different thing."
-- morgan$vurt.net
"He was on the Laby sales desk -- he was *paid* to lie"
-- mrb, of morgan)vurt.net
"Can you quote anything from the Princess Bride?" "Well, _everyone_
knows 'My name is Indigo Montoyez, you killed my brother, prepare to
die'." -- Skud!infotrope.net & morgan$vurt.net, during Morgan's job interview
"You are the robotic assistant in the lavatory of my dreams."
-- morgan)vurt.net (singing)
"Sorry, I have a thing for naked black men." -- morgan^vurt.net
"Sorry, I was having wild, passionate sex with perverts." -- morgan(vurt.net
"What do you get for the woman who's got everything? Her own C class."
"I've already got one."
"Damn!" -- RevDrD <fun^thingy.apana.org.au> and bekj$tertius.net.au
"How are you about not being paid by cool people, as opposed to not being
paid by arseholes?" -- Skud)infotrope.net, to RevDrD <fun!thingy.apana.org.au>
"My point still stands, even though I'm wrong"
-- RevDrD <fun^thingy.apana.org.au> demonstrates
World Best Practice for Usenet discussions
"Postmodernism is *not* a dirty word!" -- Hobbes)vurt.net
"It's my new Volkswagon with colloidal suspension." -- morgan$vurt.net
"I refuse to let thorfy chop me up with his cleaver unless I'm conscious
to appreciate it." -- hobbes^vurt.net
"So we've got a vegetarian who doesn't like fresh vegies and a lesbian
who won't touch fish." -- Skud(infotrope.net
"Now that I have someone else's short black hairs down my trousers..."
-- bekj*tertius.net.au
"It's a carnivorous butterfly with a machine gun."
"Oh, is THAT what it is? I thought it was a deformed elephant wearing
sunglasses" -- bekj^tertius.net.au and hobbes$vurt.net do art appreciation
"I can feel a distinct lack of testosterone in the room." -- hobbes!vurt.net
"Do you think we can do copulating monkeys?" -- bekj)tertius.net.au
"You cannot hold someone else responsible for things you put in your
mouth" -- Lionel Lauer
"Reality has as much place in Star Trek as it has in a National Party
convention."
-- Matt*boggle.org
"Lionel, you may want to come inside - there's going to be a LARTing.
Kirrily's getting her boots on."
-- RevDrD <fun$thingy.apana.org.au> at the Netizen NYE party
"Where does insanity go?" "It goes under 'strengths' as 'we see things
from different angles' and under 'weaknesses' as 'we wear chickens on
our heads'." -- bekj$tertius.net.au and morgan^vurt.net do a SWOT analysis
"On washing nights I'm cheaper."
-- bekj(tertius.net.au explains her conslutting rates
"I don't know, being assimilated by the Borg isn't such a strange thing."
-- morgan!vurt.net, on what to list under "threats"
"Are furbies tax deductible as AI research tools?" -- Skud^infotrope.net
Weaknesses: one-eyed bigotry
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Weaknesses: silly haircuts
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Weaknesses: not morning people
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Weaknesses: religious fervour
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Weaknesses: CLUE BIGOTS
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Threats:
- Y2k causes end of world
- W2k causes end of world
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Threats: W2k gains acceptance and fixes Microsoft's reputation
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Threats: Accidental revelation of (a)morals etc (eg a.s.r)
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Threats: Recreational net usage reveals unprofessional attitudes to clients.
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
Threats: Aliens invade
-- Netizen SWOT analysis
There is nothing wrong with writing a BBPFH: it's just not useful with
pointy-hairs, but it can be an illuminating exercise (or a maddening one!)
and it doesn't have to be lame. Hell, write it in ROT13 and include
sections on sexual compatibility (Vendor X: product sucks, but maybe we
can lock the flack in a back room for nefarious purposes, he comes on to
suits. Note: get Skud a suit, see if the behavior repeats. Do we have the
video camera free for use, and how visible would the lens be through gauzy
curtains?)
-- Jinx_tigr on a.s.r
The wierder you are, the better you have to be if you still want to get paid.
-- Ben Aveling sums up netizen on a.s.r
Benno: "... CVSup, which is written in Modula-3..."
thorfy: "Modula-3?"
Benno: "Yes. Anyway..."
thorfy: "MODULA-3?"
All: "Yes!"
thorfy: "MODULA-3??!?"
All: "Yes!!"
thorfy: "MODULA-3??!!?!?!??!???"
All: "YES!!!!"
thorfy: *splotch*
-- Benno$jeamland.net breaks thorfinn)tertius.net.au's brain
"So after that DAAS fix, you want me to get my marketing brain into gear?
I propose that we insult Microsoft. As well."
-- Benno^jeamland.net
"I'd like a title which translates to 'shitshoveller' a little less
directly"
-- RevDrD <fun)thingy.apana.org.au> on business titles
"There's a hole in my bucket, dear 'Liza, dear 'Liza..."
"Why do you feel there is a hole in your bucket?"
-- skud)infotrope.net and thorfinn$tertius.net.au, very late one night
"Modula-3 in Yass?"
"No!"
"Yass in Modula-3?"
"Noooo!" *splotch*
-- Benno#jeamland.net strikes again
"I am Matt McLeod of the clan McLeod and I canna die!" *splotch*
-- Benno!jeamland.net re-creates Netizen NYE
"I'm going to go to bed and log in and do some work."
-- Skud(infotrope.net fails to have a life
"What I need to do is get Matthew and Thorfy talking together for ten
minutes" "But thorfy will go 'thing' and Matthew will go 'um' and they
won't get anywhere" "You're right. We may need to rethink that."
-- morgan^vurt.net and Skud)infotrope.net discuss fixing the reverse DNS
"Why is our whiteboard written in HTML?" -- morgan$vurt.net
"I'm not any more comfortable than I was five minutes ago, but at least I'm
sitting in something purple now."
-- Madi#vurt.net plays with the beanbags
"I've got four options now - chainsawing goats, chainsawing sheep,
chainsawing seals, or endless and inventive fornication."
-- Madi*vurt.net learns HTML's <SELECT> element
"We're about to check whether FUCK ME SATAN is a required part of the code."
-- morgan!vurt.net
"My perl script called me a boring turd. That means it's working."
-- Richard Canning beta-tests Netizen's perl training
"Feel my new shampoo!" -- Hobbes^vurt.net
"I'm going to have to put camel food on the shopping list at this rate."
-- Hobbes^vurt.net, regarding certain books.
"Are you in properly? I can't tell."
-- Hobbes#vurt.net talks to her network card
"Don't spank the space puppy!"
"It's better than spanking the monkey."
-- Skud(infotrope.net, Benno^jeamland.net
"Insert into employee..." -- Benno*jeamland.net
"I can't believe I just used the words 'black ice' in normal
conversation."
-- morgan^vurt.net
"I'm letting you do that; I'm staying right here and playing with
Indonesian women."
-- Benno#jeamland.net
"I need a wider-bottomed animal." -- bekj!tertius.net.au
"I will hit the clients with my baseball bat of happiness."
-- morgan^vurt.net
"There ought to be a law against people like us." -- benno)jeamland.net
"I don't know whether 'Oops I'm covered in raita' should be recorded as
a quote."
-- skud(infotrope.net at an asrmel meet
"It's just you, you seriously twisted little fuck. Don't ever change, we
like you just the way you are."
-- Paul Tomblin to Skud#infotrope.net
* Hobbes ducks waiting for the phb to thump holocaine
<Bodycount> phb? pretty hot bunny?
-- IRC, oz.org #gothic
/* Roy owes Rob beer. */
/* Rob owes Roy dinner. */
/* These legacy comments would make a lot more sense if Roy hadn't
* replaced the old later_than() routine with util_date.c.
*
* Well, okay, they still wouldn't make any sense.
*/
-- Apache 1.3.4, src/main/util.c
"He's from Darwin and he has a nice... um... thing." -- Skud^infotrope.net
"I expect I will be hung over tomorrow. I'm in caulfield somewhere. I'll
be in by lunchtime."
-- Skud)infotrope.net, inspirational leader, pointiest of the pointy
"Did you bang the building manager?"
-- hobbes!vurt.net to morgan)vurt.net
"I give good reference." -- Skud#infotrope.net
"Geek support is a pocket protector." -- morgan)vurt.net
"Ewwww... the tax envelope tastes yucky!" -- Hobbes^vurt.net
"The wombat is a herbivorous mammal that eats, roots, shoots and leaves."
-- Skud$infotrope.net's canned wombat tin
"If USENET is anarchy, IRC is a paranoid schizophrenic after 6 days on speed."
-- Chris "Saundo" Saunderson, alt.sysadmin.recovery
"... pickle! *giggle* ... pickle! pickle! *giggle* ... pickle! ..."
-- The sound of Netizen attempting to be censored
"You want to grab... Madi, they're my breasts!" -- Hobbes(vurt.net
"Renee, no orgasms in the office."
"But it doesn't do that at home!"
-- Benno#jeamland.net, Hobbes!vurt.net
"Does anyone know my root password?" -- Hobbes$vurt.net
"Your arse is bony. You would die."
-- AK Baby, by Warren Ellis
-- http://www.livejournal.com/users/mistersleepless/3903.html
# xscreensaver-demo
attraction: domain error: forces on balls too great
-- http://www.livejournal.com/community/unixadmin/9787.html
"I'll have you know I single handedly created the GOTH SCENE in Australia. It
sprang whole and fully angsting from the seed which I did spill upon the earth
one day while masturbating over hentai porn." -- n4cat!SPAMTRAPyahoo.com
"A knife is the most permanent, the most immortal, the most ingenious of
all of man's creations. [...] the knife is a universal means of
resolving all knots, and the path of paradox lies along the blade of a
knife -- the only path worthy of the mind without fear." -- Yevgeny Zamyatin
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a language in
possession of a rich syntax must be in need of a rewrite.
-- Jane Austen pastiche by Piers Cawley <pdcawley&bofh.org.uk>
"...I'd managed to force the world to revolve around my movements. This made
it impossible to get out of my loungeroom, as every time I tried turning to
face the door, the world rotated again and bang! There I was, staring at the
bong again. Fortunately, I managed to dull my delusions of godhood down to
mere spiritual superiority. That did the trick." -- Entrippy <morgan#vurt.net>
Thorfinn *has* historically been exceptionally clear and up-front about
his amorality. Which probably makes him a great guy to go to parties
with, but a lousy one to be trapped in a lifeboat with. -- <adam#fsf.net>
... Far down the vault a man was screaming. His fists were tightly clenched
and he was screaming out imprecations against the humming computers. There
was a hopeless rage in his eyes - rage and bitter, savage defiance.
-- 'It Was The Day Of The Robot', Frank Bellknap, 1963
I think theres some quantum entanglement thing going on - the less you pay for
the sunglasses, the more tightly bound they become to you and the harder the
universe works to keep you together... -- bigiain#mightymedia.com.au
In short: Thorfy is unlikely to engage in hand-to-hand combat with
anything extraterrestrial. Verbal combat, maybe. On the Internet,
No-one Knows You're Puppeteer. -- sharkey!zoic.org
"Andromeda Galaxy: Thorfy! Stop that or I'll come over there and thump you."
"Galaxies don't make verbal threats, you just wake up one day with the
Horsehead Nebula in your bed." -- sharkey$zoic.org, void <float*firedrake.org>
"A sine curve goes off to infinity..." *snap*, chalk breaks,
"... or at least the end of the blackboard."
-- Prof. Steiner, quoted by Peter da Silva <peter^taronga.com>
"struct foo c()^[10]^()^;" "Weirdest looking damned anime smiley I've ever
seen." "I refuse to believe in the existence of a language whose syntax
produces programs containing large numbers of variant smiley faces. -- Ken
Arromdee" -- dot&dotat.at, dagbrown(LART.ca and rra)stanford.edu.
Error handling is a big problem that can't really be swept under the
carpet without leaving lumps that the unwary may trip over.
-- Tony Finch <dot!dotat.at>
"Ok: When you go look at the rentals, Amazon women covered in chocolate
will throw themselves at you." "You mean estate agents are now Amazon
women covered in chocolate?" -- <frossie#xcski.com>, <temptnews$purplecow.org>
"... whereas I don't even know what a pocket protector *is*. (Why would you
want to protect a pocket? What from? Ravenous fluff?)" "From the Vorpal Pens
which go *clicker*rip*!" -- <$}xinix{$#esperi.demon.co.uk> and <gerg$panix.com>
"[...] Orckit [...]" "Ah. Must be a competitor to Gandalf." "Beat me to
it. Should have bought ElvishKit, anyway. Orckit is always crap."
-- <vadik^zem.jer.vygo.net>, <adam&fsf.net> and <randy*xcski.com>
"I really wonder what people thought when I arrived for my first day of duty
with the AF Reserve, spattered with blood from waist to the top of my head
from doing the breathing side of CPR." "I imagine they thought . o O (I hope
I'm in that guy's unit.)" -- <mikea(mikea.athx.cx>, void <float)firedrake.org>
"You and Lionel just broke my irony meter. I hope you're happy." "You need to
get a steely one instead. More rugged." "I tried iridium and carbon nanotubes,
[...] Nobody's got any scrith or arenak, & I can't afford a General Products
hull just to carve it up for irony meters. Where do I go from here?"
-- <matt!cugc.org>, <^#*&$@ennui.org> and <peter#taronga.com>
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English
is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on
occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them
unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. -- James Nicoll
I invoke the sable hue, and charge it with all that is sysadminning: the black
hearts, the goat's black wool, the black candle-wax, the black ink of TFM, the
black sky of the blue room, the blackness of mission-critical blinkylights, and
the black substance of Guinness. -- <adb&leftmind.net> in ASR.
I invoke the sable hue, and charge it with all that is sysadminning: the
blackness of hearts, the goat's wool, the candle-wax, the ink of TFM, the blue
room, the mission-critical blinkylights, and Guinness. -- adb*leftmind.net, ASR
"Preserved shredded squid _is_ food, right?"
"May containg bone splinters and fragments of pranged motorcycle."
-- Josh Brandt <mute(gweep.net> and Rik Steenwinkel <rsteenw)xs4all.nl>
True. Although for a once-off job, it's cheaper to go down your local
newsagent & do it on their machine.
-- Lionel <nop!alt.net>
"I once had an epiphany about why sticking words together makes perfect sense
in the context of the German language. Unfortunately, I now don't remember what
it was." "Because the word 'perfectlysensiblegermanorthographyepiphany' was too
long to fit in this margin?" -- <darrell#grumblesmurf.net>, <sharkey$zoic.org>
In Shire Year 2013, war was beginning... Frodo: "We get ringwraith!"
Gandalf: "What you say? ... Palantir turn on! ... It's you!"
Saruman: "How are you hobbits! All your ring are belong to us!"
-- Simon Cozens <simon^ermine.ox.ac.uk>
"Readers Digest Condensed Battlefield Earth!" "But Johnny was not
afraid. And the blue tinge faded. Suck suck suck. The end."
-- sharkey <sharkey&zoic.org> and Adam Thornton <adam*fsf.net>
"I can feel stupid people too close to my car, [...]"
"Where do you feel them? Everywhere. They don't know they're stupid."
-- Huey <huey(interaccess.com> and Peter da Silva <peter)taronga.com>
"Sounds like a job for a state machine."
"Yep. And I'm Kafka." "So long as you're not Godot."
-- Peter da Silva <peter(taronga.com> and Jan Ingvoldstad
"This is untested, and if it works it's a weapon of mass destruction, so
if you point it at your disk and spatter it across the wall it's not my
fault." -- Peter da Silva <peter)taronga.com> regarding some shell script.
"Damn I need a job. I did get woken by a call from a pimp this morning, which
is the sort of thing that cheers one greatly." "... unless you're sleeping on
a park bench. Call: 'Hey you! Get the fuck out of my park! I've got a
business to run!'" -- RDD <fun*thingy.apana.org.au> and <sharkey&zoic.org>
That's enough outta you, Flame of Udun. *I* am a Servant of the Secret
Fire, of the Sort To Which You Should Not Expose Your Laserwriter.
-- Adam Thornton <adam^fsf.net>
SIGWENCH. ISAGN.
-- Anthony de Boer <abuse$leftmind.net>
[...] most systems don't run the JOKER process, because it is immune to
SIGKILL and only responds to SIGKERPOW!!! when sent from the batman
user. Hmm, maybe we need a SIGPENGUIN for all those Linux systems...
-- Stephen Harris <sweh#spuddy.mew.co.uk>
How many quicks could a quick chuck chuck, if a quick chuck could chuck
quicks? Now say that real quick, Chuck.
-- Chris Klein <stripes!tragedy.biomass.to>
> POPULATE AN INSTALLATION WITH LOTS OF MODULES
Eurgh. It is _definitely_ too early in the morning: I read this as --
POPULATE AN INSTALLATION WITH LOTS OF NOODLES
Don't ask me why. -- Charlie Stross <charlie!nospam.antipope.org>
"Please don't tell me that I have to mention epitaphs." "Not on my
account." "On W. C. Fields' account." "It was a different Philadelphia
and besides, W.C. Fields is dead." -- <dpm#myths.com>,
<leeann$kremvax.snedmail.com>, <dpm^myths.com> and <rebecca&ogoense.net>
"Pick a god, any god."
"*NO!* Not *that* one! <FX: 'AaaaaaaRGH!' gristlegristlecrunch>"
-- Matt Olson and Chris Suslowicz in the scary.devil.monastery
"[...] I personally don't mind giving up a portion of my earnings to
try to keep said unadaptable people from starving in the street."
"Goodness, no, they should not be allowed to die on the streets. We
have alleys for that." -- Mike Sphar and Cael in the scary.devil.monastery
"Captain, Lt Cmdr Worf is boarding." "Power up foward phaser array, go
to red alert." "But Sir, we are in dock over the most peaceful planet in
the galaxy!" "It's Worf, Number 1, something is always happening. And
look there is a cellist behind you." -- Riker & Picard fanfic, by Usekh on ACG.
"In protocol design, perfection has been reached not when there is
nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
-- RFC1925, Rule #12.
Owner n. [BDSM]: That person that's allowed to take me and send
me into a shivering quivering mess and pull me out again still sane.
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
sic transit gloria data -- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
If you rush a Miracle Man, you get rotten miracles.
-- Miracle Max, The Princess Bride
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
You are permanently confused. -- Dave Decot
Don't talk to me about Navy Tradition. It's all Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash.
-- Winston Churchill
"The surreality of the universe tends towards a maximum."
-- Skud <skud(infotrope.net>'s Law
"Never formulate a law or axiom whose consequences you're not
prepared to live with."
-- Skud <skud)infotrope.net>'s Meta Law
God is Dead -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead -- God
Nietzsche is God -- The Dead
"This Too Shall Pass"
-- inscription on the inside of King Solomon's Ring.
Disciple - How can you be what you are not?
Zen Master - By not being.
Disciple - Who is Buddha?
Zen Master - Who is asking?
Disciple - Master, which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Zen Master - The chicken *is* the egg!
Disciple - Master, why isn't everything perfect?
Zen Master - It is.
Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies
the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry
penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more
careful about what they say if they had. -- Linus Torvalds
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
-- Gautama Buddha
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
-- Gautama Buddha
"Kinship is a bondage dragons feel more keenly than men. Their
mothers-in-law live longer."
-- Ka'a Orto'o, Gnomic Utterances I iii. (Diana Wynne Jones)
"Life Is Pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something."
-- The Dread Pirate Wesley, in the Princess Bride.
Perfection (in design) is achieved not when there is nothing
more to add, but rather when there is nothing more to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery (aviator, aircraft
designer and author of classic children's books)
The problem with people whose minds are in the gutter is that they keep
blocking my periscope.
-- Peter Gutmann <pgut01!cs.aukland.az.nz>
"HELO. My $name is sendmail.cf. Prepare to vi."
-- Peter Gutmann <pgut01#cs.aukland.az.nz>
"... I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab.
I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate.
All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week.
Time to die...". -- Peter Gutmann in the scary.devil.monastery
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire
off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near
the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like
tears in rain. Time... to die..." -- Roy Batty in Blade Runner
"The superior pilot uses his superior judgement to avoid situations in
which he has to demonstrate his superior skill." -- anonymous.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
-- anonymous.
Q: How about developing <some unlikely and ultimately pointless driver>?
A: It exists. This is Linux. Anything that silly has already been done.
-- Alan Cox, rutgers linux-kernel mailing-list, 19980911
Try not.
Do. Or do not.
There is no try. -- Yoda, 'Empire Strikes Back'
What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
-- Obi-Wan Kenobi, 'Return of the Jedi'
Calvin: Verbing weirds language.
Hobbes: Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment
to understanding.
-- Page 53 of _Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat_ (1994) - Bill Watterson
C++ protects you against Murphy, not Machiavelli. -- Damian Conway
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Rich Kulawiec
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
-- the Tao Te Ching
If there's one thing you learn in BDSM, it's to be open
minded. There's no such thing as weird - there's only spaces
you don't appreciate. -- Thunder, in a moment of introspection.
~/ and my domino happens at midnight ~/
~/ he rides on a wave of destruction ~/
~/ he lives for excess and seduction ~/ -- lyrics to Domino by Clouds
IRC (Internet Relay Chat) Zen Koan:
/topic What is the sound of a non-op kicking?
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
I love recursion, it breaks most people's brains.
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
I love multithreading, it breaks most people's brains.
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
Linguistic component verbosification effectivisedly obfuscationises
identificationably verbalised symbolics.
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
Polysyllabically enlargened action-indicative concept-articulations
negativisedly contraindicates utiliseable lexicographic instrument
proprietorship. -- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
I'd get more sleep if I could work nights.
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
Surrealist moving
slowly in the November.
Usenet is a fish. -- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
<goss> Be en-jobbed.
* thorfinn turns into an Apple Mac Plus.
* thorfinn is now en-Job-bed.
"HELO. My $name is sendmail.cf. You killed my getppid(). Prepare to vi."
-- Modified version of a line from Peter Gutmann <pgut01$cs.aukland.az.nz>
Trust your TechnoLust!
Make the pact with the wolf! Dance wildly on the margins, betwixt and
between! Thou art God!
-- roie the elf
Mind you, chasing happiness is a futile exercise... I chase satisfaction
and serenity, and find that happiness taps me on the shoulder and says,
"Hi!", occasionally. -- Jenn Vesperman <jenn^brisnet.org.au>
Breasts can be violent. Forging metal is violent. Violence in and
day out, that i am more into squash at the moment.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer&tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
In last dramatic bars of this century, mankind had acquired the
power to make a goth purr.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer*tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
A reflex is an animal related to the conclusion that the rubiks
cube and linux are alike.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer(tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
I hate avoiding questions, but imagination has to be dangerous.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer)tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
Words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the soul it is
good, it is intimacy.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer!tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
The software team will be an oncoming dragon.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer#tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
'Pooh?' he said. 'Yes, piglet?' pooh replied. 'Nothing,' piglet
said, taking pooh's paw, 'i just wanted to make an exception.'
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer$tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
Do not look back in a perfectly useless afternoon in a cute, cuddly
bunny costume.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer&tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
Chocolate is a domesticated mammal descended from the world.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer^tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
I hope you have a reputation for subtlety.
-- MegaHal, trained on <gossamer*tertius.net.au>'s quotes file
Darkly hinting of head hitting desk -- MegaHal, trained on ASR
Unfortunately, men befriend women in futile attempts to get a 3d
accelerated video card thingy...
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Delete kidneys to create license codes in the morning.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
So i get the chance to reread my postings to asr at times, with a
corresponding conservation of the almighty leviam00se, Kai Henningsen.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
I think i'll take my girlfriend to vegas for a win'98 burn/upgrade...
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Pray, dammit, on your knees, you limaceous bit of wishful thinking about
"the end".
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Reviewed by my boss, my boss's boss, and my poor little millennium.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
"Jesus ate my mouse" or some similar banality.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Alas, he wouldn't let me towel him off afterwards, preferring to do that
if it would run on forever?
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Anyone out there who can transmit clues on where to find audio, video, and
images with a sharp tool and put it on my left foot while being transferred
to it. -- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
"... even had to open up the case and gaze upon the hallowed peace that
graced the helpdesk that day."
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Putting heated bricks close to the news.admin.net-abuse.* groups.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Also note that i knew _far_ more about the people that call address
mungers names like 'lusers', 'egoists' or try to make luser giraffes.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
One erik kept seeing this and giggling like a whore on a bedpost every
10-15 sheets, and it requires the processor to work.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Hiccups, i'm not in the socket on the same theory...
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Familiarity breeds facility.
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
Which you then convert to gold, non-perishable food, firearms, good
liquor & a secluded hideaway in the last of the "internet official
protocol standards." -- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
I've been an avid reader of your existing bowel?
-- MegaHal, trained on the scary.devil.monastery
In fact, I think "Hello Kitty, Destroyer of Worlds" would be a very
appropriate name for a cruise missile.
-- Collin Forbes in the scary.devil.monastery
"Yeah, I know. It was a long time ago and I was a lot more optimistic then."
"And besides, the CNAME is dead."
-- Mike Sphar and Greg Andrews, reminiscing in the scary.devil.monastery
"You are in a maze of twisted sysadmins, all different."
-- Ben Aveling, in and about the scary.devil.monastery
Wouldn't you love to fill out *that* report? "Company asset #423423
was lost while fighting the forces of evil."
-- Chris Adams in the scary.devil.monastery
Surrealism is // Like a quick icy jump into // Cold lobster trousers
-- entrippy <entrippy(labyrinth.net.au>
I managed to out-cool even the disgustingly cool people normally found
at the cafe I went to, without trying. I'm assuming it was the IETF
draft I was reading, because nothing else really accounts for it.
-- Skud <skud)infotrope.net> in the scary.devil.monastery
[...] the Ainur and Valar got tin running on a palantir. All that
blue light from Orthanc at night? That was Saruman, trying to moderate
news.admin.palantir-abuse.sightings. -- mikea#okcforum.org in ASR
"[S]tarting your usenet experience with this group is like starting
your drug experiences with 500 mikes of acid with an amphetamine chaser."
-- Rebecca Ore in the scary.devil.monastery
"One World, One Web, One Program" -- Microsoft Promotional Ad
"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" -- Adolf Hitler
Pooh likes to do it all covered in hunny;
Rabbit of course likes to f*ck like a bunny;
Piglet would do if he wasn't so small,
but the Tigger can never be buggered at all. -- Skud <skud!infotrope.net>
"Hey, you're right. I don't want to call a destructor on my objects, I
want to call a *destroyer*. Gozer has come for your memory, little
PersistentNode!" -- Joel Gluth <joel$n-space.com.au> in ASR
"Perl already has _bless_, and we know what it does... [it] should also
have _smite_, and we know what it should do, too. If more languages had
_smite_ implemented, the remaining programmers would be better than the
current average." -- Mike Andrews in the scary.devil.monastery
"If more languages had _smite_ implemented, the remaining programmers
would be better than the current average."
-- Mike Andrews in the scary.devil.monastery
A is for Alkrite, devoured by newts
B is for Betty, who wore cursed floating boots
-- Doug Atkinson <douga^io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
C is for Carmen, touched a cockatrice corpse
D is for Dana, who ate a Man of the Horse
-- Doug Atkinson <douga&io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
E is for Emily, whom snakes sprayed with venom
F is for Fiona, who prayed in Gehennom...
-- Sam Needham <sneedham*viking.dvc.edu> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
G is for Gina, who looked at Medusa
H is for Herrena, drained dry by seducers
-- Doug Atkinson <douga(io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
I is for Iola, eaten by bats
J is for Jenny, who genocided @s
-- Doug Atkinson <douga!io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
K is for Kara, had an un-IDd drink
L is for Lana, who fell on a sink
-- Doug Atkinson <douga#io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
M is for Maria, crushed flat by rocks
N is for Nora, who had a system shock
-- Doug Atkinson <douga$io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
O is for Orestes, who choked on his food
P is for Petra, who nymphs stripped quite nude
-- Doug Atkinson <douga^io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
Q is for Quita, who drowned in the ocean
R is for Rona, drank a cursed sickness potion
-- Doug Atkinson <douga&io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
S is for Sara, got crushed by a ball
T is for Tori, bounced into a wall
-- Doug Atkinson <douga*io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
U is for Uriel, who lost all his brains
V is for Vala, ate spoiled remains
-- Doug Atkinson <douga(io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
W is for Wendy, fell into a pit
X is for Xena, who accidentally typed "Quit"
-- Doug Atkinson <douga)io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
Y is for Yuri, wore an amulet for sleepers
Z is for Zora, ticked off a shopkeeper
-- Doug Atkinson <douga!io.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
If it [bit of number theory] was UI for you, seek help now. Write a
perl compiler in FORTRAN, or a FORTRAN compiler in perl. Read
contemporary French philosophy. Write a stupid SF novel.
-- Anatoly Vorobey in the scary.devil.monastery
"Pshaw! *I* am a paid-up member of the Mystic Order of Arachnid Vigilance."
"Please. Why don't you go fight evil somewhere else? I'm trying to sleep here."
-- Rodger Donaldson and Eric The Read in the scary.devil.monastery
"I imagined a device produced by the Westheimer Dildonics Corporation
(440 Innuendo Drive, Saginaw MI), designed as a snap-on fitment for
hammer-action Hiltis and Makitas." -- Tanuki the Raccoon-dog in ASR
ALL programs are poems, it's just that not all programmers are poets.
-- Jonathan Guthrie in the scary.devil.monastery
"I'm not a luser laser, I'm a luser laser's mate, and I'm only lasing
lusers 'cause the luser laser's late..."
-- Gid Holyoake in the scary.devil.monastery
"Heisenberg may have slept here." -- BSD fortune file
"Actually, we have scientifically determined that Heisenberg did indeed
sleep exactly here. However, we have no idea whatsoever just how fast
asleep he was." -- Dave Aronson in the scary.devil.monastery
#!/bin/perl -sp0777i<X+d*lMLa^*lN%0]dsXx++lMlN/dsM0<j]dsj
$/=unpack('H*',$_);$_=`echo 16dio\U$k"SK$/SM$n\EsN0p[lN*1
lK[d2%Sa2/d0$^Ixp"|dc`;s/\W//g;$_=pack('H*',/((..)*)$/)
# US govt says this is a munition. See http://www.cypherspace.org/~adam/rsa/
The main difference between lusers & budgies is that it's standard
practice to keep one's budgie in a cage. I feel that there is a
lesson here for all of us. -- Lionel Lauer in the scary.devil.monastery
Just think - blessed SCSI Cables! Do a big enough sacrifice
and create a +5, blessed SCSI Cable of Connectivity"
-- Lionel Lauer in the scary.devil.monastery
"What do you give the woman who has everything?" "Um ... her own C-class!"
"She already has one." "*DAMN*!"
-- netizen.com.au staff meeting.
Words are nothing more than symbolsets, conveniently stuck
together in a particular shape.
-- thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
When one writes text with margins matched,
'tis said that one has scribed brick text.
Perchance 'tis crazed, as some have cried,
but whate'er they scream, 'tis brickified.
-- thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
By bricktext critics your hopes are dashed
if chance one line got stretched or mashed
because some space your keyboard's flashed
aint bricktext that your chisel scratched!
-- Oisin Curtin in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
"God, root, what is difference?"
"God is more forgiving."
-- Pitr and Dave Aronson in the scary.devil.monastery
"Phnglui mgwlnafth Cthulhu rlyey wghnagl fthagn." "In his flat in Bromley,
drunk Cthulhu waits knitting? I think a few subtle typos may have crept
into that one." "That explains why this shoggoth I summoned is only 3mm tall."
-- Peter da Silva and Peter Gutmann in the scary.devil.monastery
"But how do you Y2K test a cow?"
"First, it requires really longsleeved gloves..."
-- Par Leijonhufvud and Lars Balker Rasmussen in the scary.devil.monastery
"You mean you cut your pizzas using multiple *helices*??"
"I cut them horizontally, stitch the sheets together, and use them as
drapes. I've seen people wearing them as ties too."
-- Tanuki the Racoon-dog and Peter Gutmann in the scary.devil.monastery
"Not long enough ago. Or far enough away. Although it was rather
far out, and they were living in some other century."
"And besides, the network's dead."
-- Zebee <zebee#zip.com.au> and Joe <spam+@orion-com.com> in ASR.
Every luser should set ${DISORDER}; it's certainly a valid part of
their personal environment, and affects every process they fork.
-- Gus Hartmann in the scary.devil.monastery
My thoughts dribble out from my fingertips like greenish yellow snot,
then I wave my keyboard of fire over them until they crystallise into
posts. Don't your thoughts do that? -- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
On the one hand, everyone should LART spammers. OTOH, it's like emptying the
ocean with a thimble. On the gripping hand, it's easy to automate and better
than hiding in a sand castle as the tide rises. -- thorfinn@tertius.net.au
It's a short step from using alt.binaries.warez.protocol-droids.c3p0 to
Palpatine seeing a post along the lines of: "CA|\| NE1 0N Th]5 BB0ARD T3Ll M3
H0w 2 GeT KeWL S]Th P0WeRZ!?!?!?!??!?" The rest is, well, a couple
more overly-hyped ILM graphics demos. -- henke(kharendaen.krall.org in ASR
"The wise man does not tell a person with a gun to go check his
filesystems for consistency."
-- Anthony DeBoer <adb!news.onramp.ca> in the scary.devil.monastery
Oh good. I can't stand it when the multi-tentacled hellbeasts have
poor hygiene.
-- Nick Number <number#sirius.com> in rec.games.roguelike.nethack
"That's nothing, *I* invented recursion, because *I* invented recursion!"
-- rob$atat.dotat.org in the midst of a "who *really*
invented what" cascade DSW in the scary.devil.monastery
A man with a penchant for yaks / Tried to depilate one with some wax. /
Sad to say, our poor Lionel / Met a fate that was final: /
A yak weighs as much as a VAX! -- Malcolm Ray, in the scary.devil.monastery
If USENET is anarchy, IRC is a paranoid schizophrenic
after 6 days on speed.
-- Chris "Saundo" Saunderson <saundo^idx.com.au> in ASR
Bloody hell, I've never been sigquoted before. Thus the great moments of one's
life occur between installing the new version of xscreensaver and creating a
mailing list. -- Frossie <frossie&jach.hawaii.edu> in ASR
Remember - if all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun.
-- Frossie <frossie*jach.hawaii.edu> in the scary.devil.monastery
Blue fish, Red fish,
Goth fish, Dead fish.
-- Madi <madi(vurt.net> in aus.culture.gothic
Black Fish, Goth Fish
Geek Fish, BOFH Fish
-- Madi <madi)vurt.net> in aus.culture.gothic
Welcome to [telco] hell. [...] You are in a maze of twisty little
PVC's, all alike. A switching engineer throws a dart at you!
-- Chris Saunderson <saundo!idx.com.au> in the scary.devil.monastery
When the SysAdmin answers the phone politely, say "sorry", hang up and
run awaaaaay!
-- Informal advice to users at Karolinska Institutet, 1993-1994
I can see an opening for the Four Lusers Of The Apocalypse...
"I didn't change anything", "My e-mail doesn't work", "I can't print" and
"Is the network broken?". -- Paul Mc Auley <pmcauley#iol.ie> in ASR
[ I don't understand the attraction to girls that are ] emacsiated. Viiated
girls, OTOH, are look quite nice. But there is nothing more beautiful than
an ediated girl. -- Vadim Vygonets in the scary.devil.monastery
"Looks like the pink Duracell bunny and the robo-flapping butterfly will have
to have a calm-and-soothe-a-thon." "Windows will shatter and buildings will
crumble... all you need to do is add the furbie to the mix and instant WW3!"
"Kewl. I'm gonna do it nekkid." -- Madi and Arathye in aus.culture.gothic
"New for Linux: SoftCondom. Because with a GUI named Explorer, you never
know where NT's been."
-- Joe Thompson <spam+@orion-com.com> in the scary.devil.monastery
"Down with the Himalaya! Reunite Gondwanaland!" "Splitter! Reunite
Pangaea!" "Terra-ist! Down with planets! Reunite the accretion layer!"
-- Wolfgang Schelongowski, Peter da Silva and Christian Bauernfeind
"Well... It isn't a vibrating model... but considering the amount of
time I've been spending lately quickly shaking my pikachu, I think I
could more or less simulate it..." -- Pokemon Master Jojo Sellout on ACG
"The Scottish Parliament, adjourned on the 25th of March 1707 is hereby
reconvened." -- Winnie Ewing MSP, at the opening of the new Scottish
Parliament in Edinburgh, 12th May, 1999
<fx content="Flickering candles and dark[1], ominous shadows. Voices chant.">
"In the name of the Son of 1036 we invoke you. Thorfy. Thorfy! THORFY!" </fx>
-- Par Leijonhufvud <par$sid.mep.ki.se> in ASR, regarding a "--".
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fistfight.
-- Douglas Adams
"According to HR 111111111111-666, I am now allowed to machine gun you, your
wife, your children, and anybody who knows you, you low life scum sucking
spammer." -- Paul Tomblin in ASR
"Now that I think of it, O'Reilly is to a system administrator as a shoulder
length latex glove is to a veterinarian."
-- Peter da Silva in the scary.devil.monastery
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; give him a freshly-charged
Electric Eel and chances are he won't bother you for anything ever again"
-- Tanuki the Raccoon-dog in the scary.devil.monastery
RedHat Adventure: "You're in a maze of twisted little packages, all dependent.
There's a threatening little Gnome in the room with you."
-- Peter Dalgaard <p.dalgaard^biostat.ku.dk> in the scary.devil.monastery
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If
you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's
either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. -- Oxford University Press
Starg the intergalactic Hippopotamus says, "Remember kids, don't
eat the game wardens, their tranquilisers work either way!"
-- Neef <neef&vurt.net> in aus.culture.gothic
"Help! I can't breathe in here! It's small and dark and filled full of
weird words!"
-- Neef <neef*vurt.net>, regarding being put in Thorf's quotes file.
"If I'm giving someone permission to do things to my body, I would
like them to be honest with me."
-- void <float(incandescent.firedrake.org> in ASR
~/ A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better; ~/
~/ A friend with breasts and all the rest, a friend who's dressed in leather. ~/
-- lyrics in "Pure Morning" by Placebo
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking
operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box." "Shit.
Fifteen years later it's *still* true." -- Peter da Silva, about his own quote
"If you drink Real beer, you become horizontal... so, if you drink Imaginary
beer, you become vertical...", re: Sharkey's fake foam Guinness-inna-glass.
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>
"No, I will *not* pardon you for assuming common sense. Surely you're
in the wrong damned industry to think that people have common sense?"
-- Thorfinn <thorfinn@tertius.net.au>, regarding the IT industry
"It's a hard work, being a network pusher. Your customers beep you in the
middle of the night, hungry for another fix. But, what can you do? Customer
satisfaction and all that crap... Pays good, though." -- Ingvar the Grey, ASR
iBusiness: Historians now believe the trend was started by sleepy vi users
who'd forgotten they were already in insert mode. Foisting a patented Buzzword
on the Internet-hungry masses of the late 20thC was, after all, far easier than
the keystrokes required to remove the extra letter. -- <solitaire#tygger.net>
"Cease this foolish attempt to attract attention by releasing Yet
Another Coding Language - thou art not a Larry Wall, nor art thou a
Guido, therefore humble thyself and contribute to the projects of
those greater, rather then pissing about." -- <solitaire!tygger.net>
"Usenet is a co-operative venture, backed
by nasty people - follow the standards."
-- cdrovers-news$ennui.biomass.to (Chris Rovers)
"... wondering what the effect of an iMac on sensitive membranes would
be..." "Well, i'll fetch a spammer, you fetch an iMac, some baby oil,
and some burly mechanics to assist in the insertion, and we'll Advance
Science!" -- The Scarlet Manuka & Patrick R. Wade in ASR
... that's when I initially stored the "Ok, Thorfinn is basically a
total freak" datum. That hasn't really betrayed me since. :)
-- Brian L. Naylor <brian+usenet@sackheads.org>
The Thorfinn gets angry!
The Thorfinn wields a +5 battle-axe called Cleaver!
The Thorfinn hits! The Thorfinn hits! The Thorfinn hits!
You die... DYWYPI? -- Richard Bos <info^hoekstra-uitgeverij.nl> in ATSR
~/ my teenaged body trembled to discover ~/
~/ that there was such a thing ~/
~/ as the wrong way to have sex ~/
-- Trayce <trace&connect.net.au>
"Of course using a Mac is like cunnilingus; there is only one button and
you need to fiddle it a lot." "Except that the Mac doesn't grab your
head and press down on it." "That's actually why the new iMac is shaped
that way." -- parlei*algonet.se, matt(cugc.org, mute)gweep.net
"Yes, English sure is fucked up. English doesn't just go to bed with
every language that passes by, it dresses up in a PVC mini and cruises
the dockside looking for hot foreign languages to drag into alleyways
for a quick standup." -- Peter da Silva <peter!taronga.com>
If you think that driving Outlook Express is supposed to be like riding a
motorbike, then I submit that the motorbike you are thinking of has 7 wheels,
not including the steering wheel, is bigger than most buses, and runs on a mix
of diesel fuel, high octane fuel, and crack cocaine. -- thorfinn@tertius.net.au
It is impossible to make something foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.
-- Edsel Murphy
If there's more than one way to do a job and one of those ways will end
in disaster, then someone will do it that way.
-- Edward Murphy, Jr., "Murphy's Law", frequently misquoted as "Anything
that can go wrong will."
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